by Norm De Plume
The assembled world dignitaries and members of the press fell into a breathless silence as the tall, robed alien cleared his throat and prepared to speak telepathically.
“PEOPLE OF EARTH, IN ORDER TO DEMONSTRATE OUR PEACEFUL INTENTIONS, WE HAVE DECIDED TO SHARE WITH YOU SOME OF OUR ADVANCED TECHNOLOGIES. BEHOLD, A PUMP WHICH DRAWS THE AIR OUT OF FOOD STORAGE BAGS, ALLOWING LEFTOVERS TO REMAIN EDIBLE FOR WEEKS ON END!”
Noticing a pronounced lack of enthusiasm amongst the audience members, the alien being did a quick telepathic scan.
“HUH. OKAY, I SEE YOU’VE GOT THAT ONE ALREADY. NO BIG DEAL. UH… HERE. THESE CLOTHS CAN ABSORB UP TO 10 TIMES THE LIQUID YOUR STANDARD EARTH PAPER TOWELS CAN. NOW DAWNS A GLORIOUS NEW ERA OF PEACE AND…”
He paused and scanned again.
“DAMN. OKAY, UH… HOW ABOUT A DEVICE FOR SHOOTING SALAD COMPONENTS INTO A BOWL? NO? A SOUND ACTIVATED ON/OFF SWITCH FOR LIGHT SOURCES?”
“A WATCH WITH A BUILT IN CALCULATOR?”
“SHIT. OKAY, FINE. YOU WIN. YOU CAN HAVE THE INTERPLANETARY DEATH RAY…”