by Norm De Plume
Deep in a secret cave, many miles below the surface, The Invisible Hand’s young ward burst through the laboratory doors.
“What is it, Kid Gipper?”
“I’ve just spoken to Commissioner O’Leary. It’s Cyborg Cardinal Richelieu. He’s taken a busload of orphans hostage and is demanding an enormous ransom for their return!”
“We must act quickly. Mobilize the Sons of Liberty. I want a massive anti-tax rally outside City Hall within the hour.”
“A rally? Shouldn’t we do something to help the orphans?”
“Giving those orphans a handout won’t help them at all. How will they ever learn free market principals if we just swoop in and save them? No, Kid Gipper, better to let the market handle this one.”
“But Cyborg Richelieu has suspended the bus over Sharks River Gorge! He’s promised to drop them in exactly one hour if his demands aren’t met!”
“All the more reason to act quickly. You see, by lowering the corporate tax rate, we free capital to fund new, more lucrative ways to deal with the mutant cyborg situation.”
“But how can we be sure corporations won’t take the extra money as profit?”
“Kid Gipper, if I’d known you were a freedom hating Socialist Fascist, I never would have given you access to the Laffer Cave. Why, there’s nothing more American than a corporation taking a profit! Besides, those orphans must want to be hostages. If they didn’t, why wouldn’t they just disable Cyborg Richelieu with an Electro Magnetic Pulse from their utility belts?”
“Sir, I don’t think those orphans have the resources to purchase utility belts…”
“Oh, and suddenly that’s my problem? Kid Gipper, I worked hard to inherit the resources that paid for this cave, all of the high-tech equipment, my creationist sculpture garden…”
Suddenly, the Hotline chirped three times. Invisible Hand picked up the receiver.
“Yes? Great Goldwater’s Ghost! Where? I’m on my way.”
He sprang to his feet.
“Quickly, Kid Gipper! Fuel the Rush Mobile. Two men are trying to get married in another state.”
“Quickly, before they cheapen every marriage in Real America with their unholy vows! I only pray we’re not too late…”