by Norm De Plume
The Smooth One, also known as The Jackal in Velour, emerged blinking from his hideout deep in the tribal area of Pakistan. His two closest lieutenants flanked him in the cave’s entrance as he addressed his followers.
“Brothers,” he boomed in a soulful tenor voice. “We are Never Givin’ Up. We will not become Distracted. Yes, my fellow holy warriors, I say to you that We’re In This Love Together, and when I say ‘love’ I mean our just and holy jihad against the American devils!”
His followers cheered and fired their Kalashnikovs into the air.
“’Teach Me Tonight’ you asked me. ‘Tell Me What I Gotta Do’ you pleaded. Well, now I answer you: you must bring the jihad to the Americans like Raging Waters. And our brothers who are Moonlighting in sleeper cells in the west must strike at the heart of the devil like a Blue Angel. Yes, my brothers, L Is For Lover, but L is also for lecherous, lying, leprous America!”
His final words were drowned out by the roar of his followers, which gradually coalesced into a steady chant that shook the very mountains themselves. The Smooth One smiled and pumped his fist in time:
“Long live Al Qaeda! Long live Al Zarqawri! And long live The Jackal in Velour- Al Jarreau!”