by Norm De Plume
Illustrations by Mr W
“But I don’t want to help grandpa Dan to the bathroom,” 16-year-old Danny told his mother. “He’s old and he stinks like old people! Plus, I heard him snoring during the wedding. What if he falls asleep in there again?”
“Help your grandpa, or no car this weekend,” said his mother.
Grandpa Cpl. Dan, meanwhile, had been getting shitfaced on scotch through the whole reception. He was sick and tired of the way everybody treated him like he was six years old. He’d fought in WWII and Korea, and he could feed himself. He could drink for himself. And, he could go to the bathroom for himself, too, goddamnit. So why was his daughter always sending his little shit of a grandson over to take him to the bathroom like he was a goddamn toddler? Damn it! Here he comes now. Dan threw back the rest of his scotch and weaved quietly in his seat.
Danny put his hand on the old man’s shoulder.
“Grandpa, Mom said I was supposed to…”
“Go to hell!” shouted Dan, as the rest of the reception fell quiet. “Get yer damn hands off me. You know I once had two Japanese women at once? You ever done that you little shit?”
Dan realized everyone was staring at him and little Danny, who was looking around in obvious discomfort.
“Of course I have, Grandpa.”
“Lands amighty!” shouted Dan, rising to his feet and shaking his fists at the sky. “Oh, how I wish I’d wished for that Golden Penis!”
TO BE CONTINUED
Check back next Friday for the exciting conclusion of THE CURSE OF THE MONKEY’S PAW!