by Norm De Plume
Illustrations by Mr. W
The three GIs crowded around the counter in the tiny Tokyo curiosity shop. Cpl. Dan Zimmer held a wad of dirty wrinkled cash. It was all the money the three of them had in the world… exactly $300. They glanced around nervously.
The ancient shopkeeper finally emerged from the back of the shop with something small and brown in his hand. He laid it on the counter. It was the tiny balled up paw of a monkey.
Cpl. Dan carefully flattened each and every bill in his hand and laid them in a small pile on the counter. When he’d put the last one in place, the old shopkeeper nodded. Dan picked up the monkey paw. The old man picked up the cash and began cackling in an otherworldly manner.
“If American GIs like to make frisky so much, why you no wish for golden ding a ling?”
While the old man continued laughing maniacally, the three soldiers quickly left the store and ducked into a nearby alley. They huddled around the paw in Dan’s outstretched hand.
“You fellers know what you’re wishin’ for?” Dan asked.
The other two nodded.
“Well then, who’s first?”
Pfc. Brown snatched the paw. Without a moment’s hesitation, he held it tight and made his wish, then passed it on to Pfc. Ives. Ives thought for a second before he made his wish then passed the paw back to Cpl. Dan. Dan held the paw as tight as he could, then made his wish.
The three soldiers looked at each other breathlessly for a minute. Finally, Cpl. Dan spoke up.
“Well?” he asked. “What did you boys wish for?”
“I reckon I can tell you without queerin’ my wish,” said Pfc. Brown. “I was thinking on what that old timer said and it sounded pretty good, so I wished for a solid gold penis.”
“Now say,” said Pfc. Ives. “That there’s a good wish! I wish I’d thought of that.”
“Why? What’d you wish for?” asked Brown.
“I wished I could have a diamond as big as my head for my girl back home,” answered Ives.
“That’s a good one too!” said Brown. “What’d you wish for, Cpl. Dan?”
“Well, now Brown,” Dan drawled. “You and Ives here wished for what they call ‘material things’. Ives, you wished for a jewel big enough to win your girl’s heart. I respect that. Brown, I just know the ladies are going to love your new golden penis. I surely do. But me, I’m a little different. I think there’s more important things in life that diamonds and a golden penis.”
“So what’d you wish for?”
“Me?” said Dan. “Why, I wished for the experience of a lifetime. I wished that I could have me a couple of these Japanese women… two at a time.”
Ives and Brown stared at him blankly. Cpl. Dan blinked.
“Didn’t you boys hear me? I wished I’d have two Japanese women at one time! Now don’t that sound better then some big ol’ diamond?”
“Cpl. Dan, you just paid $100 for your share of the paw…” said Ives.
“So? Worth every penny if you ask me.”
“… but you coulda just got yerself a couple of hookers. Why, just last Tuesday Brown here had a go at it with a couple of the pertiest, most eagerest Japanese ladies you ever saw, and ain’t cost him more then… how much you give ‘em, Brown?”
“Five bucks apiece.”
“Ah!” said Cpl. Dan triumphantly. “But did you have ‘em both at once?”
“Yep,” said Ives. “He surely did.”
“Twice,” clarified Brown.
“Uh… “ stammered Cpl. Dan. “I was just playin’ with you boys. I, uh, wished for a golden penis too.”
Brown and Ives looked at each other and burst out laughing.
“Good one, Cpl Dan, good one!” said Ives. “You had us going for a second there.”
“Yeah,” said Brown. “Like you’d be dumb enough to waste yer wish on a coupla $5 hookers!”
“Shut up, will ya?” barked Cpl. Dan. He walked out of the alley and onto the street.
Ives looked at Brown quizzically. Brown just shook his head and thoughtfully stroked his new solid gold penis.
TO BE CONTINUED…